The Lazy Ladies Guide to Knitting

Last year, I decided I needed a creative project I could do while vegging out at night in front of the TV, so I didn’t feel like I was completely wasting my time while watching 2 hours of The Bachelor. So I decided to start knitting again. I’ve enjoyed casually knitting over the years but I’ve really only been able to knit things in square or rectangular shapes. That’s the extent of my skills. If I wanted to further my abilities I’d have to read up on it and learn new techniques, but you can take those elaborate stitches and patterns and shove them up your crafty ass. I don’t have the time or patience for that. With that being said I don’t need one more knitted scarf to add to my collection, so I needed a new project.

My best friend getting pregnant lit a fire under my ass, because I was determined to knit her future spawn a baby blanket and now there was a deadline, or a due date…whatever. I bought needles and yarn in her theme colors and re-taught myself the basics. (My Me’Mere taught me when I was little, but what 8 year old has the attention span to keep up with it). I also went a little beyond my basic knowledge and taught myself how to pearl, but fuck that stitch. It’s awkward and annoying so I came up with a way to only use the knit stitch to make cool looking blankets. The “pattern” you see below will not read like any knitting pattern you’ve seen, because I don’t know the terminology and frankly I don’t care. So if you can do a basic knit stitch then you can make this blanket.

The “Malcolm” Dino Blanket

-Buy some yarn. Wait for Michaels yarn event to get some good deals, just don’t shop at hobby lobby because they hate women. Did you know Vanna White has a yarn brand? She does and it’s reasonable priced. Pick out 3 colors.

-Cast on 150 stitches with size 10 needles. (The only legit sounding instruction you will see here. Oh and here’s a quick article on how to cast on if you need it: Basic Knitting Cast On )

-Knit 7 rows in your first color. I call it 7 rows because that how it looks, but technically it’s 14. Knitting two rows looks like one complete row to me. (Here’s an article on how to do a basic knit stitch: Basic Knit Stitch. Do I have to do all the work for you?)

-Change your yarn color. I do some janky knot at the end and it still comes out looking pretty good. But if you want to do it right you can find info here: Changing Yarns 

-My “pattern” is 9 rows of gray 5 rows of orange, and 6 rows of green. I just go until I think the length looks right or until I can’t take it anymore. Just be sure to end on your starting color.

-Cast off.

-Add tassels. The tassels really make the big square look like a completed blanket and bonus they are super easy. Adding Tassels.

And that’s it. Look how awesome this blanket looks and I barely know anything about knitting. I even cut a few corners and did it all while watching episodes of Scandal and How to Get Away with Murder! The finished blanket is 42” wide by 44” long. Booya! I’ll show you more half-assed patterns I did later. Spoiler alert: I only change the colors and the needle sizes.

In Summation: Buying yarn is fun, using it is more time consuming.